I read that someone said that my next book, Destroying the Tangible Illusion of Reality or Searching for Andy Kaufman, was about hope. Whoever said that hasn’t read my book. It’s not about hope. The concept of hope is contrary to the theme. Hope is about waiting, having faith, waiting for change.
Andy, as it has been called because of its enormous title, is about death and how important real acceptance of death is to the fulfillment of our life, to our happiness. So many humans accept their perfunctory lives, waiting for change to come to them as if it ripples from great cosmic impacts like waves in a pond. They accept their misery or vacancy, toil in the vapors of desire, waiting to be given wings by destiny or divine to finally realize their dreams and be happy. They wait. They will wait until they are dead. Nothing is coming to save you. Love won’t appear on your door and happen for you. Oceans don’t build sandcastles. It is your responsibility. The dead wait.
I waited to die.
No one believed that my cancer would sleep this long. It usually doesn’t with such an aggressive Lymphoma. Lymphoma is how cancer ends you. Finally, I got tired of waiting. I built a career in Indie writing, got some books published, signed a movie deal. I met Allison and married her in Scotland. When we got back, it came back. In September, I had a cancerous tumor removed with half of my thyroid. Now we watch and wait. She understands now. She didn’t before—the apathy, the nihilism, the comprehension that our minds won’t exist forever. There is no hope. Death ends you.
There is no hope. And that is freedom.
She’s struggling to learn how to live with it.
I waited to die.
No one believed that my cancer would sleep this long. It usually doesn’t with such an aggressive Lymphoma. Lymphoma is how cancer ends you. Finally, I got tired of waiting. I built a career in Indie writing, got some books published, signed a movie deal. I met Allison and married her in Scotland. When we got back, it came back. In September, I had a cancerous tumor removed with half of my thyroid. Now we watch and wait. She understands now. She didn’t before—the apathy, the nihilism, the comprehension that our minds won’t exist forever. There is no hope. Death ends you.
There is no hope. And that is freedom.
She’s struggling to learn how to live with it.
The book’s soul is embodied by a character triad: Anthony the dying, perhaps the lost son of Andy Kaufman, Cynthia the unrequited lover of Anthony and best friend, and Tolya, the crazy Russian actor who becomes their chauffer and general misanthrope.
A passage from the book:
A passage from the book:
“The chemo. It’s a long shot, the whole goddamn thing. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I don’t want to spend my last few months letting them burn me. I’ll never forgive me.”
“I’ll never forgive you,” she said.
“I don’t care,” Anthony said, and Cynthia hoped her friend was lying. “You don’t have to live this way. I do. And not for much longer. I want to accept this. I’m struggling. It hurts, Cynthia. And I’m just doing it for all of you, because I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Why don’t you want to live?”
He paused and considered it. Cynthia tried not to look at the scarecrow. “It’s not that I want to die,” he said. “No one wants to die. I’m just accepting that it has come.”
“But, it’s too early!”
“I’ll never forgive you,” she said.
“I don’t care,” Anthony said, and Cynthia hoped her friend was lying. “You don’t have to live this way. I do. And not for much longer. I want to accept this. I’m struggling. It hurts, Cynthia. And I’m just doing it for all of you, because I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Why don’t you want to live?”
He paused and considered it. Cynthia tried not to look at the scarecrow. “It’s not that I want to die,” he said. “No one wants to die. I’m just accepting that it has come.”
“But, it’s too early!”
“Who says? I mean, who really determines that? What is a good age to die? How many sands are mandatory before you can leave the world? I’m good, Cynthia. I’ve had some life. There’s a lot of matter in the universe that never has that experience. Whole suns are born, then explode, without knowing what it’s like to cry or laugh or eat a Whopper or fuck like rabbits.”
--From Destroying the Tangible Illusion of Reality or Searching for Andy Kaufman By T. Fox Dunham
In this surreal road novel, Anthony searches for the father he’s never met: Andy Kaufman, the legendary song-and-dance man from the ’70s. There’s a few problems here, of course. A) Andy Kaufman died in 1984, and B) Thanks to a recent cancer diagnosis, Anthony doesn’t have much longer to live, either. However, new evidence has come to light that questions whether or not Kaufman is actually dead. Could he be in hiding, after all these years? Anthony is determined to discover the truth before his own clock runs out. During his travels, he will encounter shameless medicine men, grifters, Walmart shoppers, the ghosts of Elvis and Warhol, and the Devil himself.
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